aargh
don´t feel like leaving again
the whole city is partying
i rather would take part in the lives of my friends


guess its time to get some fresh hair colour

july

´ve been for one week in the town i´m actually studying
We visited on day a small castle, which was borrowed from the city (who had no money to renovate it) to a group of 6 friends for a euro per year,- they just have to renovate it bit by bit
any other investor said no cos the costs would be too high, but these friends said lets try it
and moved in with a little circus. Now it is a company of a lot of people all working in this castle and in the park around, the castle is still morbid, but in a very nice way. They made in that beautiful building space for sensual exploration. Lot´s of things about feeling, tasting, smelling, seeing, hearing, working with your sense of orientation, water and fire, ...
There was one amazing room where you could put few sand on metalplates and produce a sound with a violine string by going with it along the corners of the metalplates. As soon the sound was produced the sand jumped up and feel down in filigrane patterns like you can see in snowflakes. These sandlines showed how the audiowaves went trough the metalplate- i was really amazed.
They have there everyday lots of schoolclasses and other groups as visitors to train people to use all their senses again... great thing

Besides that i finished my practical semester, was not so easy to say goodbye to the kids
and to the less or more wonderful chaos i worked in
will miss the broken German, situation humor and everyday stories of the kids
("my nerves are empty, i can´t do homework now", "it´s good for a boy to eat pizza and fries, girls shall eat fruits", "Iran is for men, Germany is for women", "your head is beautiful"- did i tell that i got a pink oversized shirt for my birthday from one of the boys...:-)

met a woman who is doing indianic dances in Denmark which are good for world peace,
we had great talks about friendship, living together, and crazy stories of live (go by lifts!)

i love my living commune,
we finally finished our self made leather flip flops, made a gallery of big black-white-photos of the profile of our deformed stomaches in the bath room, cooked "holundersirup", i sprayed my first selfmade stancel and we still take care that our flat is full of flowers and coffee fragrance

Will go this weekend to beautiful dresden
and then some old, old friends and i will spend some days on an old farm on the country side just to do nothing than talking, eating, listening to music and hugging each other a lot- we won´t come together so young any more

hope you all enjoy your travels
have a blessed summer

thank you God for mornings

do you know the feeling that something in your stomach starts to hurt,
simply because that what you experience right now is too beautiful to be fully felt

just listening to kings of convenience, certainly one of the most beautiful bands i ever listened to
"you shine like gold in the air of summer"...
ran with a friend all night through the city, watching the sun rise over the habour

figured that "sky" is one of the most sureal things
the blue is most beautiful right between night and day
it´s a cozy blue,
you can´t see it clear because theres nothing else in the sky than blue, no distance visible

bought some hot chocolate and smoked fish at the fishmarket that opened at 5
and it´s like theres nothing else to do than to smile
thats my task for the day
what is yours? :)

still june, diggas

just want to introduce some new people i linked in
they are actually not "new", but i finally linked them in and thought it would be cool to describe quickly my connection to them

so there is "Wölfchen", one of my friends i know for quite a long time, maybe even better since i left Dresden, a very faithful phonecaller, thank you for that

Stephan, also known for about 10 years ? back from his year from the philippines, welcome home brother ( he was the one where i first tried out to make some dread locks, - he looked like mr. super spike...)

Sam, whom i met in Scotland, through quite a messy prayer week, really like her blog and humour

Hannah, also edinburgh, red car, hopefully pink hair, messy kids, gave me her matress and i slept so well on it, thank you han!

chris, met him in Dresden and Edinburgh, most wonderful accent and gentleman attitude

i´m glad to got to know you guys

June

have to admit that the capital of my country is quite fascinating
the visits before this city just fell on me too heavy
but lately it has been wonderful
the turkish market, all people screaming around selling the fruits and crazy spices in the last hours for nearly nothing- we bought 10 pounds of strawberries...
the old man in his cafe where he put a thousand photos on the walls, chairs, tables, mobiles
we gave him some strawberries and he gave us 2 white roses
this is what makes and my heart jump :)

being on one of the coolest fleamarkets of the whole country (lets say of whole world)
philosophying in the old railway area some people made to a cultural centre

watching the eastsidegallery and being newly aware that this is part of my history
eating tons of pasta talking for hours
chilling in the "club der republik"
streetartshops in nonrenovated eaststyle houses
a coffee for free
the freestyler in the tube

yes this city is massive, but so fascinating not just because of the different nongerman cultures, but also because is combining the charme of former west and eastgermany in a special way

here again
the friends beachpartie along the river
with the backround light from THE harbour
having had a car accident before - but this couldn´t stop us:)

by the way the world cup jumped also into my life
simply necessary as i still like to have some social contact
quite a nice atmosphere though lots of security

...would be interesting to see how germany would cope with a visit of ahmadinejad ...

enjoy the summer!
love

Hej

...a phenomenon i don´t understand
this is the year 2006- THE year for Germany
Why? soccer!

this is not rational, ensible or explainable
they put some hundreds of blue lighted goals on the roofs of all high housesin ths city,
every day i use the tube it says in how many minutes the tube will arrive and how many days are left til the first game of the fifa world championship
there are posters all over saying:"Die Welt zu Gast bei Freunden" (the world hosted by friends Fifa 2006- would be nice i we would have this slogan also for asylum seekers...)
all newspapers are full of articles about the topic
the galleries and museums make exhibitions about soccer
you can buy soccerballbreadrools in the bakery
fake "Germany"-tatoos in the supermarkets
they make seminars for busdrivers etc. to be nicer (as you know Germans are not nown as the warmest people:) and how to handle critical fan situations
you can hardly buy tickets for the games, but lot of companies got some and you can win them if you buy their products
this is also the perfect moment to introduce more instruments for our "national security"
there are fights in the red light disricts about which pimps will get more prostitutes to serve the fans
I´d guess nearly 30% of the TV-spots are spammed with soccer
all kinds of products are suddenly black, red, gold
a new public discussion and reflection araised of who "we" actually are and a new "German feeling"-

controversial as always: bashing, yessaying

...
this is definetely far too emphasised and expensive (yes sometimes i think economically)
and leaves a strange feeling in fear of nationalism+ simply
being annoyed

but i like the times when people put their sofas out on the streets+ their TV to watch the games together and to watch people being totally concentrated and
fascinated

hmmpf fortunately it´s over in some weeks

adventures

we went through dark tunnels from trainstationhall to trainstationhall
its all old and fascinating when you are inside these halls; its nearly some kind of churchbuilding feeling because of all the graffitties on the outside. And you can go below the railway in rust and waterfilled rooms.
It´s so good to have this explorative (hopefully nobody sees us) feeling again
to sit on towers of beerboxes watching the trains
and playing agent whomever in the little boot exploring the channel in the night.

read toms recently post to get some decent thoughts about this phenomenon:)

we sowed some herbseeds and colourful flowers- that´s a right and modest thing to do in spring:)


read recently that the EU -anti-torture-comitee
criticised the deportationjail 3 kilometers away from my bed as "not acceptable"

i would so like to be able to say to you that things are going to be alright, somehow
but if i´d do so i´d feel like giving you promises i can´t keep

actual

we had this demonstration yesterday against the refugee and asylumseekers policy of Germany
it seems to be a fact of success for some politicians to show in the end of a year in their reports how the number of asylum seekers living in their county was minimized.

How can we call people as not willing to integrate when we don´t give them the chance to learn proper German, to work, to live in within "normal" parts of the city and to take part in the socio-cultural live when asylum seekers have to live in these places not worth to be called homes for years until they get some kind of residence permit (if they get it)?

Why do we divide Migrants into "the qualified, useful people" bringing human capital into the country and the non-qualified people just consuming "our resources"? The young boy born in Germany with turkish parents, suffering from years of failures in education policy with few chances to ever get a job has the task to justify the rest of his life why he is excist in this country.
He is seen as not valuable.

Waiting with the young girls in the foreigners office, together with about 50 other people and little kids running around. It´s a humbling atmosphere. There are no toys for the kids who also have to wait hour for hour. But we make jokes and laugh a lot. 6 months more.

There´s this big discussion going on again in Germany about integration of Migrants, values, "murder in the name of honour", and deportation. I hope i´m not being naive. I´m aware that there are certain budgets, people who live here for years and don´t speak a word of German, that we can´t care for endless numbers of refugees. But i´m also becoming more aware about the unjustices in these areas going on everyday tolerated, about thought patterns behind (where i even sometimes find myself) definitions of "me" and "you, the other", the fear of the strange,etc. Maybe we need to get our minds changed. And let go of everything we thought we owned.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Besides that we had this really nice "cheeseburger-evening" with lots of friends and dogs,
exploring old, empty buildings (got this feelig again i felt so often as a kid...this "hopeful nobody finds us") and btw: it´s really cool to put the same sticker on the face of all your friends or this little tatoos you can stick with water on your skin- try it out! (The best are little pirates)

hope you are all well

flashlights- we had some sunshine

"you got pain-head?" asked me the boy while doing his maths homework as i laid my head in my hands

"i broke this finger as a did some kungfu three years gao. i practice its muscles while dancing" said the lonely old strange- dancing man in this too dark bar

it´s just 30 minutes by feet from the red-light-party-district to my home, the girls prostituting themselves look quite similar to me


eyerings arent just eyerings, they tell different stories


it´s possible to enjoy to listen to the snoring of your flatmate as something which is real and usual

didn´t realise there was this tornado till watched the news at night
i do ignore people as i feel they are too much for me
thiscitywritessomemillionstorieseveryday
itsinformationoverkill
whoreadsallofthese?
PLEASEGOD

nordic winter

it´s cold here
badly
they say it didn´t snow that much here for years
managed to get icecold + wet feet three times this weekend...

my friend david from dresden is over ...nice
to explore the city together with friends
went today though an old tunnel under the river
an amazing constrution from 1907

got a phonecall from a random guys from the city i lived before, he also lives here now for a while and someone connected us, so he phoned me and we found out we live nearly on the same street, so we going to undertake some stuff

and old classmate of mine phoned me later (we didn´t talk for about 1,5years)
and she´ll come up here for some hours cos other fiends of here are living here too
seems like one can meet everybody in a big city like this:)

went on concerts of "a red season shade" from france and "coem" from belgium- recommend that...this band managed to make the whole audience singing there inner out with the words "oh my nadja" what a hymn:)

btw nice music:
look up www.myspace.com/thewinnipegboys -a friend of mine recorded a few really nice songs

in the meantime i keep on spending loads of time with my living commune, my clothing is full of doghair, someone makes crepes right now

i´m going to eat and dance
lets take time for that

Dock 11

...we proposed to open up a club here called "unicorns at dock 11" or something like that, with a "Schill-out- area", old sofas and walls you can leave your creative output on
right at the harbour
and all people have to wear captains-huts...

i´m doing well here
just moved finally into my tiny room yesterday (yeah)
developed livingcommuneveningrituals of having candels on, drinking tea
and listening to some audioplays

dogs make lifes brighter

i really enjoy doing my practical training
really clicking with the team and getting so much
insight in all kinds of issues and problems concerning the setting i´m working in
I´m currently about to get some more knowledge and insight in
German laws governing all kinds of foreigner and integration issues
might write some more stuff about that later

on the other hand is happens so easily to live in my little world
and to somehow close my heart up/ getting less emotional involved
in getting to know how certain systems are working
and to see what somehow extreme lifes some of the kids are living
I will really have to learn how to bring myself in with my personality
and the things i believe are good, and how to keep integrity

really looking forward to spring

get some hugs, guys

new city- oh so surreal:)

Thursday: free cardigans concert in Cologne, yes. There are lots of reasons to be into scandinavia

Monday: my dear friend becky finally visited me, was so nice to show her my study city and to introduce her to my friends- good to connect the different worlds i live in
had a big godbye- curry-party in the eve

Tuesday: started to pack my kitchen stuff between 4 and 5 in the night- why is moving always messing me up?

Wednesday: stored most of my stuff in a house somewhere in the mountains

Thursday: sitting quietly with a friend, candles and Jazz in her kitchen having a silent goodbye

Friday: a friend and i packed his car with essential life stuff to make our way up north to the new city where i´ll start my practical semester
a smiling new chaos living commune welcomed us in a tiny flat with a wonderful dog

nice party in a loft right at the water of someone i dont kow in the evening- guys, i really think a loft might be the perfect solution for bigcity communitylife

saturday: walking for hours along the harbour and beaches
kashmir-concert (waaah- how beautiful)
making horses to unicorns in a club

Sunday: i´m tired, my friend left, and im finally realising i moved here

hugs

update

i´m having holidays
kind of
loads of birthday, semester end and goodbye parties in the last time
cos loads of people leaving the town for doing their practical semester somewhere else
as i will also do

we still haven´t found a new flatmate
and i´m in week number 5 of the "living alone experince"
i´m really not the person for that

Had good talks last sunday at church with a couple from coventry
didn´t know that churches in the UK can have a "fair-trade-church-certificate"
interesting stuff- i hope this issue will be stressed more in the future in this country as well

was on saturday in "walk the line" the biopic about jonny cash
what to say, the movie shows a lot about the ups and downs of him
and it´s also a lot the love story of him and june
it seems nearly a little cliche, (but sometimes life is simply cliche)
you know the stuff with the superwoman who helps the brokendown rockstar
to get in line again- and they live in love together til the end of their lives...

saying of the week for me is:
we wanna be radical but also be loved and both doesn´t always go together
(a guy in TV doing a literaturemagazin said that while talking with an author about his new book "beer&blood"- great title, i think)

music i´m currently listening to: nina nastasia, sigur ros, final fantasy, p. wolf, 60´s beat´n garage sampler made by a friend

wish you all a nice weekend:)

Dreamday and stuff

wrote my last examen for this semester yesterday
it all went so superfast, -nearly finished my basicstudies
and i still feel not that much more competent:)

had this weekend dreamday in the city
we had it as a 24-1prayertime to bring our dreams before God,
to share it to others and to listen for new deams
- had personally some really encouraging times with God and friends
there were always some people there, so that was cool,
though i wished that more of the young folk of the different churches would have joined in.
but when i´m learning one thing in the last time then that it´s not about me,
how much effort i make and stuff like that. God is the one who impacts the people
it´s not about the "big success" and "efficiency", but more about what the single person experienced being alone with God in that room
- well, still have a lot to learn in that
(my germanness often seem to hit me in that ...:)

Had also in the beginning of the weekend one of these "that´s -amazing- conversations"
a guy phoned me in the middle of the night to have a talk with a friend. he kind of started sharing some deep stuff as i had to interrupt him telling him that i have actually no clue who he is - he was simply wrong connected. Couldn´t find the number of his friend in the phone book, so we just ended up talking about an hour...
really like this crazy lifestuff
(so far a contribution to the always actual topic of "why do stangers talk to me" :-)

mountains and goals

Was finally the weekend for walks with a friend in the mountains here,
listened later on to some audio plays for children with him
i didn´t know it before, so i had to get to know these series,
because it is quite famous here (i don´t want to be out:-)
and people love to sleep in while listening to this stuff

I´m quite done right now,
do you know these times when you´re just tired
it´s hard for you to get out of bed when you think of your to do list for the day
so you just stay in, in the stupid hope things get done by accident:)

i really find it hard to motivate myself when i´m blinded for the actual goal
i mean in how many things we do in our daily life are we constantly aware of why we do it and whats the big goal behind?
I don´t just wanna run around doing my stuff mindlessly (?)
but i also don´t want to think about everything
cos i figured myself being constantly on a metaperspective watching and reflecting myself
- that keeps you also from simply doing things, just because you feel like doing it...

mmph

hope you all have a nice week

January Days

saw yesterday little flowers on the light green gras
while walking under a clear blue sky,
think they are called daisys (?)
and a beautiful half frozen river rhine

always have to remind myself in all my business not to forget to go for walks just to enjoy some nature beauty stuff- yes, maybe we shouldn´t be afraid to be a little more hippie:)

I´m about to plan all kinds of things for moving
looking for new flatmates
finishing my studies

and really important: socialising

on sunday one guy whos coming since some weeks to the youthgroup came forward to tell that he gave his life to Jesus one random evening
I was like: you still do it, God. That´s amazing,
realising i still got my mindset it would be about us,
how we live church and stuff that attracts people
and surely that plays a role, but God is building his kingdom,
-simply. Despite of out-of-tune-worship and boring rooms
weak prayertimes and blokes like me.
He is doing it. He is grace.
Thank you

the random party conversations

...
" what are you drawing?"
"-don´t know-"
" looks like "jesus loves you" but no one understands"
...

well,
the times i go back to some kind of originplace to the people who know me kinda better and whom i love it seems like i´m getting really thin skin,
some emotional
( and sarcastic to hide it)
u too?

there was christmess (as i love to call it:) and there were the traditional things i need for stability, thanx mom for making always the same food and the same cookies, i love it
and there was will over to spend some times with us - really nice-
my family was all that welcoming and relaxed as i maybe didn´t expected them to be,
because i´m stupid (see the selffullfilling prophesies)
i´m really stunned and talked too much
and i think we should spend much more time hugging, maybe


hope u all had some quality time

northern light and northern blues

I´m all lost in third rates
coils revolve inside and `round my head
And I am scared

I´m secrets left untold
Your sympathy is wearing off
and I am rudderless

Shivers and Stains
Condensate my dreams against the ice
Tired and framed,
outrun by what i hoped i´d left behind

A pinball fired,
bouncing off the walls with swarming thoughts
Unaddressed
I´m parts left uncovered
Deliver me from the evil
now that i have made this mess

Shivers and stains
Condensate my dreams against the ice
Tired and framed,
outrun by what i hoped i´d left behind

by Alex ten Cate

One of my favourite lyrics.

Expresses so well how i feel these days
being in the northern city enjoying making it kind of mine- within some hours
in the 60´s shops, the underground, the unkown living communes
grey schools and random selfmade 8mm-movies

knowing not really what i want neither where everywhere i left some pieces of me

the selffulfilling prophesies

well,
had a while ago this intense evening with my friends talking about
our more or less problematic familyrelationships.
How we every time again find ourselves in the typical roles we have always been in, as soon we are at home again, doesn´t matter how long we are living our own lives.
And our longing for communication and interaction with our parents that is simply different and is reflecting how we actually have changed - it´s not that the interaction doesn´t change at all but you maybe all now these things of having arguments always according to the same patterns, you know exactly what he is going to say now and you think that he is never going to change (?)

There is this communicationtheorie that says in interaction we behave somehow like the other person expects us to behave. So the question is: Do we even give a chance to the other person to change or to act different in not expecting the typical negative from them? How much could we free persons to really be what they can be in expecting the best things from them?

Looking somehow forward to christmas, to see all my fam and friends again,- maybe in a different way:)

Love, Hope and Faith to all of you

i so would like to be a riot girrl

really
I find myself often looking up to the people who are the riot people, the ones who shackle themselves at rails against the castortransports, the ones who are fighting against unjust policeintervention, who are up the barricades on the G8´s...
not because i believe that violence is helpful
but because these might be the people who say "enough is enough- the pain is here, exactly here, and it is not bearable anymore, i´m going to stand up".

Had this international seminar last week with profs from Lithuania, Slowakia, Romania and Czech- we talked about the social profession in these different countries- but also a lot about history...Did you know that about 70% of the Czech-Slowakian Population were against the divison 1993 into two states- but it was just made by politicians? Did you know that the welfare systems that slowly are about to brake down in the middle-western- european countries, were not even fully invented in the "easteuropean countries" (which lay geographically actually often in middle europe) because some of them were since the brake down of the communist experiementfields for neoliberalism? - "they try out how much people can bear", the elderly czech prof said...
Listened another day to a talk of an English-French-docent sitting there in his grey suit talking passionately about the need in Social work to be less tolerant towards situations that cause us pain. That we have to learn to feel the pain in us and with the people and to try to find words for it or somehow to express it to change society.
The riots in france were maybe neccessary to give the suffering a voice, to get attention for that what was unbearable too long.
Some social workers there teach the people how to act out riots in a safe way

So what are our democracies about as they rather protect the people that are stupified and quite, than the people who try to participate and do speak out and act out, as filling out bureaucratic formulars don´t express whats on their hearts?

Lets create more space for expressing our rage and pain, but also the beauty and joy
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Therefore
i see the need of facing what makes me angry, and not to put the music or TV on, or to read or socialise just to distract myself from the actual problem or pain
but to identify with others and even myself so that we can truly pray and act
that we will not become strangers to ourselves


I so long to live true,
lets do not hesitate
(?)

days became milder now

i feel opressed by shoedesigners
was looking for some boots with a friend, we checked out nearly every relavant payable shoeshop on the streets and i couldn´t find any
why do fashion maker think that all girls like to have boots with heels - I DON´T! And i want them black! and not shiny! please

looked friday night with a friend about 20 min. for my key,- in my bags, the fridge, everywhere
- i spend a lot of time for looking for keys anyway- another way how to waste your time

watched that weekend the first time how photos are actually produced- hand made- one of my friends is a photograph, his bathroom is made to a darkroom and i like shaking chemicals:)
really interesting

Had a great sunday service,
one of the african mothers gave testimony and started to sing "glory to god" ,her mother responding loudly "halleluja"- and that for 10 times! As more we said that the more the excitement rose up-
amazing, and really nongerman

Hope you´re all well

sometimes yesterday seems like a different life

was quite mental the last days (i love this expression- learned that from hannah:)

had two days of just sleeping (felt at least like that)
and two days of work in the cafè-pub

figured that the one albumtitle of the band Belle&Sebastian "Dear Catastrophe Waitress" totally fits to me...

and realising that God sees the mess (-life) I´m / we´re in,
and that he doesn´t look away
neither forget about it

My first English- Norwegian poem:)

ít´s cold and grey and wet
don´t want to get off bed
for jeg er so trett




(will soon mail to everyone whos waiting for - i´m okay)

i love you so much i would even share my chocolate icecream with you

...said a nice card in an even nicer shop

life is nice

tea makes us remember that things going to be alright
broccoli is explaining the universe and is the perfect wedding present
as well as mudd which is just something so basic that its almost real

lets share more property
and get wet socks
and create noncommercial places to be

God is good, really
i know that
i`m learning a lot here

to look for goodness in life

have you ever taped yourself to a tree?
Why not?

bagpipe punk

i`m in Edinburgh, halfspontaneously
we just hang around here,
praying
beauty
paint
creating mess
drinking tea
listening to bagpipepunk
being with God and each other

(asked God some days ago if i could find a cheap flight to this and here i am...)

new experiences every day

was on the first 60´s party in my life- one of my friends is a DJ for this stuff and begged me to join him at a party cos he hardly new anyone there...really good music for dancing

my room is so cold that i can see my breath- winter finally started here, though we don´t have snow

dots are neccessary for living

realised that nearly every time i just come around at friends places for "some minutes" to give a CD or something like that, i end up going home 3 to 5 hours later

the pressure that you know you just have 15 minutes left until your lecture starts brings you to the decision to get your body off this matress

read that women can "feel" certain things better because we have more serotonin (i think that was the name) which means we have more little things in us that transport informations...not just an educational society thing my dear professors


We shall not love our neighbor as we love ourselves anymore, but we shall love them as Jesus loved us- and he loved us first. That´s why we can love. This is what the first love is, the love a child receives from his parents simply because it´s their child... could you please put that in my heart God?

more about Bergen- for those who are interested:)

thinking today a lot of the countries i´ve been in and want to go,
... the feeling it creates when you are somewhere and you so feel you can just be there, that your heart starts to ache because you know you have to go some day

though i was busy a lot while my travels, always undertaking something and visiting stuff,
and not just being.
I have a lot to learn

The first days in Bergen i was one myself, planned to go on the mount Flöyen - bergen is surrounded by 7 Montains and 7 fjords, - quite a fairytale area.
Another German guy who had accidently also the name Benjamin joined me. We went quite quickly up and thought of looking for our own way back, cos as you know backpackers don´t like to feel like tourists and therefore prefer not to go on touristways...which can be sometimes quite "not wise"-
but it was beautiful...we made our way through blueberrycovered areas , going on the ways some deers might use, had some brakes with these captivating views on Bergen and the big ships from farfaraway sailing in, good talks
- tried to somehow make our way down the mountain without any excisting way, rolling stones, scratched hands and dirty pants- telling each other stories about stupid tourist being too arrogant for using any map and signed ways that got lost in the mountains...

i love being on mountains and the feeling of being out of civilisation for some hours

being down again we just slept a little in the gras, and had a talk with a really cute old norwegian grandma (in Norwegian (we just nodded and smiled)) comin out of her wooden also fairy tale looking old house

Had in the eve the first time in my life shrimps- a stranger said to Benjamin that big pack shrips doesn´t fit into his fridge or something like that and gave it to him as a present...actually this stuff is as any other food badly expensive- spend some time getting the skin of these things

experienced that you can walk on streets and look strangers in the eyes - they give you a smile and you keep on walking

was another day in THE art gallery of Bergen - it takes me always hours to go through galleries.
There was this one movie which showed a talk of to guys about how they get younger girls drunk to take them with to their homes- in Norway they have clubs for two age levels - because they had such big problems with this issue...

the third day my friend who´s for an exchange year in oslo came over with another friend
spend some time at Bergenhuset sitting on walls watching an orchestra exercising for the evening outdoorfestival

found the cutest wooden- houses- with- flowers-in -outside-bassins-smallstreet-nice-music-living-area
spend some hours on a random sofa next to a house and the water talking to God, being quiet.

and grateful

we are our own worst enemies

News of the day:

we got a terrible high bill for electricity yesterday, i feel quite guilty for having spend unindendently(?) so much of our precious energy resources

I come more and more to the thought that black or white (for the some asian people) are the only wearable and modest colours in times like mthese (i´ not deperessed, by the way)

looking for a place free of perversion- but it´s hard to find it here- i´m happy get a glimpse some moments...

How shall we live?
I´m so despered for clear answers on this question and on the other hand i know it´s good for us to work these answers out, to go through processes to find them, to have personal answers fitting to us and not a straight Dogma which is leaving no air to breathe...
But i feel like so many of my daily actions are perverted in a perverted world i grew up in.

Should i buy cheap clothing because it´s good to save money and unjust to spend for jeans 100€ while other people are starving or should i spend more money for it because i don´t want to support bad working conditions wherever this stuff is produced?
Should we buy our music because we shall not steal or fight for "free culture" not depending on income for everybody and flounce the operas and theatres of the cities?
Should we obey every single law of the countries we live in (Germany has many- i´m telling you that´s the curse of federalism) or fight against the things we feel are unjust?
Should our state support the farmers who produce sugarbeets that they will not loose their working places and can make a living with the consequence that some african countries who would export cane sugar get no chance?
Should we "protect" Europe from the refugees of Africa because we are so afraid of loosing our workingplaces and livingstandart? How do we come to the thought that any place of this earth we haven´t created belongs us and that we can tell other people to pass off?
Might be that some of these things sound ridiculous, but this is stuff i´m thinking about and dicuss about, especially in a rather (radical) left wing environment.

In Germany someone "Illegal" (the name is not person without papers or something like that- people are totally reduced on this status of not being allowed to be here) has hardly any rights because it is possible to be a criminal just buy being at the "wrong place" - they are suppressed by people who give them work without insurance, without just payment. An organisation here in my area fights against human trafficking and slaveprostitution(?) - they have have only few chances before the court to win a process because most prostitutes here are "illegal"-have few rights ( and judges don´t like believing "criminals"),- the traders and pimps are often Germans and so got the better chances...

the city hamburg is letting people live for years in their city without residence permission- they have to show up very 3 weeks or something at the foreigners department to lengthen their "toleration"-people get ill over the years because of all this stress, they hardly find working places because it could be that they won´t be there tomorrow, and it´s hard to plan any future living like this...the officers of the department go round twice a week to knock on peoples door at 4 o´clock in the night, families got about 2 hours time to pack 20/30 kilos of luggage for every person, when they have money they have to give it to the officers to pay their own deportation with it. They have to leave their friends, Jobs, school places, flats and furniture, to go "back" to a country their children often have never seen- ...i have no words for this
(check out www.proasyl.de)

It´s not that i wanna lament about the oh- so -bad- world,- it´s just that i´m asking my self what are the consequeces i´m taking, how do i act on knowing this, what would jesus think and do about it...

would be interested in your comments

hope you are well

News of the week

new week has begun
and i feel like i´m running a little behind, might suffer from something called "freetimestress"

I´ve got a 2nd job! Met on Wednesday with a friend, a mum and her 2 Kids just to get to know each other- we´re going to take care for them some times a week. They´re German, but my friends has to talk Italian with them all the time and i English- funny thing: trelingual-education

Just wanted to go on a party friday night to dance and meet some people- and watched accidently some parts of a really ugly concert- i just turned up there at about midnight hoping the DJ would start doing his work- but all i saw was this band in cotton boxershort, druggy eyes, the leadsinger who was a little bigger with a bra on (?), and the whole band covered with shavingfoam all over... i have to admit I felt a little uncomfortable- ... went away and turned up again at 1... talked with one of my friends at around 4 about the "child thing" (wanting some children some time?) which is actually really strange to talk about
...went home too late, probably maybe...sometimes i´m at parties thinking what am i doing here...but as soon i have a nice talk with people and a good dance ...these thoughts fly away...maybe one of these balance things, this is not where satisfaction does come from- important to keep that in mind...



" Wenn wir Freiheit der Sicherheit opfern, werden wir beides verlieren."
" when we sacrifice freedom to security, we gonna loose both." or something like that

Said my wise friend Thomas W. after watching the movie 1984 on saturdayevening

...(to) Norway and the daily issues

here i am again...
still looking for a place for doing my practical semester next year
still having to choose a partnerschool for my exchange year
still thinking about my friendships here and the fact that i´m not really close to anyone here
still enjoying autumn
still being in rage when i see how the foreignersoffice in Hamburg deals with immigrants, when i see what happens at the borders of Europe, when french people hit back
still fighting around with life and to keep in step with God
still being full of hope because
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Hebrewa 4, 15

Started to pray in uni and to have something like a weekly cell meeting...curious to see what happens

Our flat is badly cold, the heaters are rebells


The travel issue:
Shetland talks might be enough, it´s simply hard to put so much stuff in your head in a little blog... just this one: really intimate childish prayer on a playground very late in the evening with people you didn´t know a week before, but started loving themin a few days is simply awesome, especially because you went to the playground cos you had to do something "normal" in all this intense prayer stuff that week- thank you God!

Headed east the 2nd week of August, by ferry to Bergen, Norway. I was so seasick that i had even to eat while laying on my "bed". Woke up the next morning when the huge ship drove through the "schären"- islands- aargh beautiful!

Spent a day with french Benjamin whom i met in Shetland youth Hostel and on the ship again, the day in Bergen. Visited the fishmarket(the dark brown meat is whale meat), "Brugge" (beautiful, old fishermanhauses in all kinds of colours) and checking in the Youth hostel "intermission"- a sign at the reception saying: "Jesus died so that you can live".
Bought some "brunost" (sweetbrowncaramelised goatcheese!) and "Röked sild" smoked fish.
Interesting taste...
Slept well in this huge kind of living commune (45 people, 3 toilets, spanish poeple and children get up loudest...)

the journey goes on...

...put some pics to already posted blogs -check them out
some more come with this ...

when you ever go to shetland
climb along the rocky coastline, do it with people you just got to know (after you had a huge lunch and cookingsession with them), sit a while on some rocks in the water and be filled with gratefulness and grace as you realise that all creation praises God

visit St. Ninians Islands
run along the beach between two oceans,
bayfoot!
doesn´t matter how cold it is,
be quiet
and remember the journey God has taken you as you go step by step
run down the st.ninians hill as fast as you can on your way back

i said as fast as you can...

autumn is here and with it the times for nice cozy living commune evenings
...with cooking some curry together, drinking Rosè, Yogi-tea and caffè frappè, laying on Pillows on the floor, listening quitely and collective to "the little Prince" from Antoine de Saint Exupèry on CD and music of Yann Thiersen
...

"It's the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important."
the little Prince

Shetland:
...went to the youth hostel. I have to admit that i was a little shocked and just wanted to go as i realised that at this prayerconference i intended to go to a lot of "old" people took part (i grew up in quite a "young" church) and that the style of worship wasn´t mine and that there were all these women waving flags and all this stuff. Yes, i realised that i can be quite shallow in these things...
prayed before my journey that i wanna learn how to worship, i want to get to know people from the northern countries and i want to dig deeper in prophetic things (whatever that might be). And God answered it: i really learned more what it means to worship, my uncomfortable feeling went, i felt like God was showing me that these old ladies who are so "embarassing" crazy and in love with God really understood what it means to become like a child, they don´t care what other people think about them -they´re just waving their purple flags (fitting sometimes to their purple clothes) because they are excited about God. In fact i was simply amazed: there was an lady about 70 staying with in the 12bed-dorm, looking often for her pills, being the cutest granny and praying like crazy! Another old lady told me they were pioneer missionaries in Jamaica (or somewhere there) and they have seen some of Gods moving in people, have seen some poeple getting saved but still they are so hungry and just cry out to God that he will have his way with our nations. Some others told that they were for 7 years underground missionaries in Egypt- and i had the priviledge to be around all those people!

This week was kind of really honest and "naked", making ourselfes vulnerable to each other. I felt more set free to pray and to talk in front of people, there was no need to be "cool" (it does sound very childish but in fact i think we might all feel this pressure of being acceptable and cool) in the midst of these people. I felt kind of save despite all strangeness. Later on some other people confessed that things were really strange to them first as well, but they heard God talking to them also: who do you think you are?
That was what happended: unity despite of all represented confessions.
Often i had no clue what God was doing, but all we can pray then is: God have your way...

Also met some "young poeple"who became friends, mainly from the UK, but also from Finland, Iceland and Holland...it´s amazing how people start to pray and share dreams together or just witness about their lives...about living a monk-life, community life, talks about politics, poverty and justice, doubts, travelling... God really broadened my mind totally

(this is getting too long again-check out the next days)

guess this was the laziest weekend i ever had in my life- except of the time i was a baby...

Will start today finally to tell something of my travels- a little strange cos it´s already some weeks ago...
so here it comes

Part 1: Scotland
Prelude:
...those of you who know me might know that i´m not the most organized person, so i was a little afraid to go on this journey just by myself- my flatmate told me afterward she waited all the time for a phonecall or email telling her that i lost my purse and creditcards and that she needs to send me something...
i organized some basic things via internet some weeks before, and thought somehow it won´t really work out- but i need to conquer my fears
it felt like i just had to do it- without very sensible reasons...("fly away where heaven calls my name"- delirious)

Scotland: i started in the beginning of August, going by train to cologne and from this by plane to edinburgh, my backpack was too big, my knees too soft... they have funny toilets in edinburgh -and they seriously seem to think people out of the island don´t know basic behaviour...i was a little surprised:) (see the pic)

hanging around in Edinburgh for some hours was simply amazing. The poor German guy next to me in the bus had to suffer from my communicative excitement (i probably sounded nearly like an english girl - that´s amazing, awesome, brilliant, great,- i like english people- no misunderstandings) - but really: Edinburgh is absolutely stunning- so many beautiful buildings, flowers everywhere, what a flair- and an old guy talking to me- just smiled and nodded as i didn´t understand the third time what he intended to say to me...really had to get used to the scottish accent

wanted to go then by bus to Aberdeen -and i couldn´t find the busstation- i was certainly on the right square running all over it - thinking that was your short, but nice journey, until i saw this tiny tiny sign leading me to an underground busstation -thank u jesus- my e-ticket was really valid- didn´t really believe it because i could choose what price i wanted in the internet...had then this wonderful journey through these scottish landscapes til Aberdeen

went then by ferry over night to lerwick- let´s say the capital village of the Shetland Islands-
slept like lot of other passengers in my sleepingbag on a bar bench...

Shetland:
never travelled that long before as i arrived after 24 hours (altogether) in Lerwick. It was green and grey and windy as i...

(the story goes on later- i prefer the cheap soapopera-style:-)

the Poem

How many loved your moments of glad grace
and loved your beauty
with love false or true
but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you
and loved the sorrow of your changing face

(and for my badly negelcted German friends)
Wie viele liebten
,ehrlich oder nicht,
das Heiter-Schöne an Dir
Einer nur
sah liebend deiner Pilgerseele Spur
in Trauer wandeln über dein Gesicht

Hannelore Hildebrand

seen somewhen in the beginning of summer in the blue child in Dresden- this poem just got me
Now everybody on our toilet has to read it

the childish weekends and the summary of the last year

Part 1:
It´s still golden autumn...was out on saturday with a friend of mine and her 6year old son and his friend, we just had this amazing great time
sitting at the river watching the sun go down,
climbing on statues,
running like crazy along the rhine through all the tourists crowds,
screaming at them that they won´t forget we are alive,
having the little boy on my shoulder,
teaching each other english, being exited about the rising moon and red leaves
hushling through the leaves, throwing them at each other, leaves...

these boys are so cool, they are simply alive- so we just had to join them

Part2: This is the longer one... somehow i feel like putting a short summaryof my last year in here- as far as possible- so thanks for your patience

So what happend?
Moved one year ago in this beautiful city at the rhine, smaller than dresden, but still cool
started to study- i´m loving it
Met hundreds of new people, being mostly the youngest one
putted big, black dots with my flatmate on our white kitchen cupboards
missed my friends,
high telephonebills,
loads of partying,
eating "Zwiebelkuchen" and drinking "Federweißer"

i have studymates who lived in Italy, Egypt, USA, UK...who wrote books full of poems, who play in bands, who are making movies, who are great jugglers, loving people - what a priviledge

watching the Switzerland and Dutch ships- deaming to make this big boat tour on the rhine to Rotterdam and further,
was on a great new years camp in Saxony with lots of young English, Dutch and German people
God moved and is moving ,
Having a heaters-fall-out in february - was about minus 13 degrees outside- felt like it inside as well,
Studied heavily with coat on for examen,
had a new haircut ,
had living commune parties with goat cheese, singing along to "Brown feather sparrow" and watching the sun rise ,
visitited a house where people with AIDS live-don´t know if i ever experienced so much Hope and Hopelessness next to each other,
Had an "narrative Interview" for study with a man who experienced homelessness twice...
Was in Holland in february for a training time and to meet people i love- discovered that gentleness is a fruit of the Holy spirit and not just a personality-thing

was on the Fred festival
realised how much more i could have loved and love in action the people i love, -why do we hold so often back in daily life? (...and the only thing, i´m sorry for is that i didn´t love you more...)
Thought about summer and the shetlandthing i felt i should go to- said to God i might need money for it- someone offered me three days later a job in a Pub, lot of other people applied for it, but he told me he didn´t like any of them and he thought i would fit in the pub- didn´t even know before that he knew my name... thank you God

prayed and refused to pray and prayed

Had cool seminars about adventuresports
Had hang outs at the rhine river
Camp with my Dresden church in Czech republic, hugging, dinking coffee and wine, sitting at bonfires getting lost on a trip to prag- (we didn´t wanted to use the highway cos it costs money- so we drove through all those not- on- the- map-villages all ending with -ice, the signing for the supermarkets were bigger than sign for direction- arrived after some hours of driving through Czech in the camp... )

Had a great talk with a turkish guy in a very cold winter night very late (i guess it was about 2) in a tiny kebap shop in dresden- telling me how he feels being turkish in Germany... people are so precious- why don´t we treat them like that?

Being messed up by all those theories, -needing conviction and revelation-

met a guy on a wednesday night on the streets who is totally excited about Jesus- told me that God had told him to leave everything and to experience the life of the people on the streets- to go to those recognised as being on the lowest stage ... a greek to the greeks, a "tramp" to the "tramps"- people are precious, again

learned to juggle- maybe not my greatest talent- i´m so bad at it

attended some finnish-lessons-> not very productive
working at parties having strange discussuions with drunk people explaining them like to little children why i won´t give them any more beer...
philosophing with friends: we need revolution, but making an revolution brings just new supression on the people who don´t agree-> result: we got to be the revolution
dancing walz at 4 o´clock in the morning

learned in uni how to film and to make some videowork
Had a Prostest week against the Introduction of Studyfees on our campus with tents and the funeral of Education

thinking about fairtrade, socialism, social work with rightwing youth- what would jesus think?
nice music
being with a french friend on day in Frankfurt visiting about 5 great museums, - japanese architecture is greatscary
had a cool talk with a fourty-year-old belgium guy in very bad Dutch - i see no generation gap
Learning with litres of coffee, books full of laws and friends for examen again
made an alpahacourse with some people- great talks, and God does somehow always what he wants when i don´t expect him

Jesus really knows us- did you know that?
i learned and learning a lot,
...this is getting too long
...the summertravel review will come in parts the next weeks
...recommend it

...

it´s golden autumn
we got so good weather here, it´s amazing

Germany has finally a new "Bundeskanzlerin" (someone like Tony Blair - but she is not the president). A woman, eastgerman and protestant - she´s everything whats "wrong"- one of my professors said, hope it was ironic.

was cycling home yesterday, stopped at the trafficlights and saw a camera, maybe it´s there to film if you keep the rules... i´m somehow scared of the increasing observation of people for the sake of security.
In Sweden i counted about 11 cameras in one bus, 11 IN ONE BUS! This is not only for security, this is also for counting pimples on your face...watch out for places to hide

going to enjoy this beautiful day


If there is any peace it will come through being, not knowing. -- Henry Miller

the friday morning experince

hm... have you ever been on a friday morning after an exhausting pubtour with firstsemesterstudents and clubbing at 6 o´clock with a bunch of drunken friends in a really good restaurant with candles and good dishes eating delicious pizza with ruccola... had only water and nice juice that night but everything still appeared so surreal.

realised that i moved here one year and one week ago.

Had to make a decision on sunday to really "be" here.
Realised again that when i am here i´m also part of the body of christ in this city, if i like it or not. And i need the community of the family. I might not agree with everything, maybe i find hardly any people in church i really click with, maybe i´d like to have nicer worship, maybe. - but i´m here... i can choose friends, but i can´t choose family and i had to decide that as long as i´m here i´m going to be actively part of the family. I believe God never puts us somewhere without a reason. I´m not made to do "it" alone, i can´t just be an observer. It´s not only about having fun, living dreams and being build up, it´s also about being frustrated and annoyed, allowing people to get to know me and to speak into my life. I´m such a lover of my "great independence", but there is a danger of becoming a "slave" of it.
Maybe making yourself depended and accountable to the family in a balanced way is to work against that.
Thought something like that as well when i came here, but sometimes we have to make decisions again ...

I really wanna try

Will soon give a brief overview over the last year here... to let you know where it started,
and about my travels, too
soon- but not today...

still out of university...
last week the new exchange students arrived. ran with a crowd of Polish, Spanish, ...guys through the city to civil offices, banks etc.- thought that´s really a thing i enjoy doing.

Find it still not too easy to go back into my "oldlifesystem" like nothing has changed. But things have changed. So do i need new wineskins?

The great thing about travelling alone like i did this summer (more about this later) /being on pilgrimage is probably, that you are nearly out of your typical roles for a while. Not a student, not a daughter, not the flatmate, not the friend, not the leader, not the waitress- just the child of God. To find out who you are apart from all these structures. I heard once the saying (sorry, i don´t know who said that): "What you are in prayer on your knees before God, that´s what you really are." The question is what is left. I know, this might sound so pseudowhateverfindyour-selftripblabla
- but that doesn´t minimize the importance. Have to think and act about it more.

And you learn to trust God more. Sure, as a christian you say you trust God, and in a certain level you do. But i have a lot of trust in my flat, my monthly studentsloan, my job, ... and even on my travels i still had this huge backpack and my creditcard with saved money. But i felt like i experienced more things with God just because i had to trust him more. Jesus said take nothing with you. I don´t know if i would have the courage. Just imagine ...
- thanks erikka for your example

Got no clue about HTML

a little pic my friend Jocelyn P. once drawed about me, just to give you a little impression...

New Day

Yes, i´m starting it, too. Too many people i met over the last few months have infected me.

It might be a foolish thing, dangerous, taking myself too important, but maybe also a good way to keep friends and big brother kinda updated about my life, when i don´t have time to write all those long, deep emails, or to show it to my (probably never existing) grandchildren one day or to reflect or...

And I know it´s going to be embarassing to read the stuff i have posted one year or one week ago and not being able to express myself that well-sounding in English. But making yourself vulnerable is probably the THE way to create "clostimacy" between human beings...

So, welcome